It all started with a girl, a girl who struggled with depression, a girl who was fed by the opinions of the world. A girl who felt that it was far easier and less emotionally strenuous to stay at home rather than get out and do something. That girl felt the need to change.
That girl is me
I have been told that a secret is only powerful when it remains a secret. Therefore I am no longer allowing my secrets to control my view of who I am and who I will become. If I am going to tell the stories of people becoming something better then I will tell my own story, as it unfolds. I will share it with the world to let them know, you can be something. I believe in that, however it's been hard to accept that.
So... It begins...
In the years following my mission for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints I fell into a pattern of complacency and addiction. Now for all of the people who think this will be an OHMYGOSH moment, I assure you, it's not the kind of addiction you think. But the reality is I am addicted to food. Now before you poo poo this sentiment I want you to know I have thought deeply about this. Throughout high school I struggled with anorexia and bulimia, and food was my obsession, after many years I still haven't rid myself of this inner demon. Every moment I think about the next thing I am going to eat, and what next meal I am going to miss to make up for it. I am in and out of what diet I am going to try next and giving up on myself even before I begin. The more I eat the lower my self esteem is, and very recently I have gained a good amount of weight due to the emotional roller coaster that has developed within my mind. I see other women and I feel a genuine jealousy for the control they have over their sense of self worth, and what an amazing gift that is.
So today is the day I make this change, it's no longer a secret that I struggle finding consistency in life. I bounce from job to job not because I believe that the employment will make me happy. But I have decided instead I need to develop myself within and every day will become an adventure. Today is the first day of the rest of my life and today I am asking those in the internet universe to begin this journey with me. Find a way to be accountable to yourself. As I go on this journey of personal development I hope that it will find it's way to one person who will discover that they can find a way to love themselves, to be the woman or man that they desire to be. If you never start the journey then you will always wonder what could have been. So my journey starts today, my desire to change my habits, to overcome my addictions and to learn how to love myself starts today.
This story is unfolding in a variety of ways and as I tell it I hope that those reading it will realize this is not a blog about my poor me story, but it is a blog meant to inspire and strengthen. I live life from one day to the next just waiting for that moment that I can sit in front of the TV and shut off emotionally. I find myself spending hours staring at the screen of my phone, TV or computer, and these hours are hours that I could spend developing myself and living the one life that I have been allotted to live. The realization of this has taken a toll on me, and I can't emphasize enough the need I have to change. Now I struggle with depression, to the extent that when it comes to getting ready in the day it takes every ounce of energy that I have, so when given the choice to do something or do nothing, I can easily do nothing. However this mindset has been destroying me mentally and emotionally, to the point where I breakdown quite often. So to change my mindset starting today I am making a plan for my week, a plan that I can follow. Every evening I will write down in my journal goals I have for the following day. I have been getting to sleep far too late every night, so I will go to bed at a reasonable hour, and wake up early to greet my day with vigor. There is an amazing life of success and wonder out there just waiting for me to find it. But first, I need to make the decision to get out there, and do something, meet someone new, learn a new skill, and improve those skills I already have.
This is a story that will have a happy ending because I am the author of my destiny, and I will make it so.
So.... It... begins....
